How I Reclaimed My Agency and Navigated Difficult Experiences in Faith Settings

As a teen, my decision to explore a different Christian denomination was met with unexpected opposition. This is part of my story, including my Savior's ability to restore my agency and heal spiritual wounds.

I write from lived experience, more than twenty years of serving as a church youth leader, and ongoing learning about evidence-based safeguarding that names harm without undermining faith.

A Positive Foundation

Growing up, church played a huge (and positive) role in my life. It was central to my family, school, friends and it was where I experienced genuine meaning and belonging.

Then in high school things changed.

Questions I'd carried for many years became more urgent. I wanted to feel closer to my Savior. I wanted to understand how faith might translate into everyday life. More than anything, I wanted God’s love to feel tangible and real again, the way it had when I was little.

Discovering Options

I started exploring different Christian denominations, then one in particular felt like home.

This was messy and painful for my family. But in the end, my parents held to something that had always mattered in our home when it came to faith and belief: freedom of thought.

We worked out a compromise, which was that I could continue attending my new church as long as I stayed engaged in our family’s. After a few years, my parents said I could choose for myself.

When Influence Became Coercion

What I didn’t realize was that other adults at school and at church, many of whom I barely knew, also felt a responsibility for me. Some tried to influence me carefully. Others did not.

At first, it was awkward interactions. Then public embarrassment. Over time, it escalated into coercive attempts in private meetings to get me to reconsider my path. By senior year, the pressure included threats tied to my future if I didn’t change my decision.

At the time, I assumed each uncomfortable moment would be the last. Years later, when waves of overwhelming emotions followed imperfect interactions at church, I assumed I was simply too sensitive.

In both cases, I was wrong.

Looking back, I’ve come to understand that coercion in faith settings can take more than one form—it can show up as pressure to believe, but also as pressure away from belief, or consequences tied to deeply held convictions.

Understanding Difficult Experiences in Faith Settings

What I know now is that not having language or a faith-affirming framework for understanding difficult experiences in faith settings allowed it to continue, and to keep shaping me.

When I share my experience, some become uncomfortable. Many believe certain actions are not abuse, if they aren't physical or sexual. But abuse isn't limited to the body.

One definition from a church handbook for leaders in my faith community states:

“Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others. It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear.”

(Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders, 1)

That has helped me make sense of what happened. And why the impact lasted so long. Social anxiety, triggers at church, and difficulty choosing responses when overwhelming feelings try to make decisions for me are some of the things I experienced for a long time. But there were no words for what I was experiencing.

What My Savior Taught Me

The years I spent feeling my way through darkness, and the lack of understanding I sometimes encounter, are not without precedent. Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus at odds with coercive spiritual systems.

But in every instance, He ministers to those affected, they same way I felt Him minister to me as a young teen.

He also didn’t instruct His apostles to sanitize those accounts. In fact, when He appeared to them after His resurrection, He didn’t ask that they remove from the record that it was one of His own that had betrayed Him—whom He had called by inspiration. As the source of all truth and light, He allowed the New Testament record to stand with full transparency.

I believe this was intentional, so that we would not be left without a pattern or example set by Christ. Throughout the scriptures, we see Him respond to difficult interactions in faith-based settings and relationships, modeling how to use personal agency in complex situations.

Though my experiences as a youth later disrupted the peace I felt in the faith I chose, they have also brought me closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. Relying on Him, asking why unwanted feelings kept resurfacing and what healing might look like, brought little bursts of courage and hope. Then clarity. Eventually, I came out the other side. But even now, a part of me grieves for my younger self, that she wasn't connected with faith-based support sooner.

Today my Savior has given me back the joy I felt in my faith from the beginning. He has deepened my understanding of Him and the power of His Atonement. After seeing coercive tactics used against Him in the New Testament, I’m left with this:

He overcame.

Using Agency in the Present

One thing I’ve come to understand is that healing doesn’t only involve making sense of the past. It also includes learning to use my agency now.

In faith communities, sometimes we overemphasize forgiveness or choosing not to take offense. While that's important, there's another side to that coin.

Another part of choosing not to be offended is choosing not to allow patterns that offend the Lord's spirit. For me, that has meant learning not to ignore or internalize things that don’t feel right. Ironically, this has made it easier not to take offense or hold onto negative feelings. When I use my agency to respond, rather than react or suppress, I feel my Savior's peace.

What My Experience Has Taught Me About Religious Freedom

For me, religious freedom is not an abstract idea. It’s about whether a teenager can seek God without intimidation, whether persuasion becomes pressure, and whether authority reflects Christ and His ways or overrides conscience and dignity.

In sharing my experience, I’ve chosen not to name the mainstream faith community involved because I don’t believe in shaming those who shamed in order to inspire change. From experience, I know that doesn’t work. My goal isn't to dismantle belief, it is to increase it. After what my beautiful Savior has done for me, it is impossible for me to separate Him from the healing (and difficulties) I've come to know, which is why I share my experience.

Why I Share My Story

It's taken several decades to openly share my experiences as a youth. For a long time, I was embarrassed. I felt shame. But today, the beautiful new normal my Savior has given me gives me the courage to do so for a long list of reasons.

I share my story for those like me who experience triggers and social anxiety at church but remember it was not always that way. I share it for those who wonder whether coercion in faith-based relationships is a problem. For those who may have used pressure because they believed it would help, for those who are confident they would never coerce, and for all of us in between who sometimes overstep, because none of us are immune to unhelpful behavior.

More than anything, I share my story to inspire hope that if you once felt joy at church or in a faith-centered family, it can be reclaimed. I also share it to inspire hope that institutions, while imperfect, are increasingly learning to name coercion and prevent abuse.

For those navigating difficulties who love their faith and Jesus Christ, I would say this: At the heart of this is what is both at stake and what can be restored—agency.

What Using My Agency Looks Like Now

Instead of relying on one clear formula, I’m learning to hear Him in each situation.

Sometimes that means peacefully speaking up and addressing behavior. Other times it means giving grace and letting something go.

Sometimes it means seeking someone out to show love or clear up a misunderstanding. Other times it means loving from a distance.

The point is, my Savior knows all the details.

Learning to use our agency and healing spiritual wounds is possible with Him.

My Savior understands. He doesn't feel shame. His perfect brightness of hope is constantly present for me, for you, and for anyone encountering difficulty.

For those who want a clearer framework for understanding the difference between various behaviors in faith-based relationships, I explore Understanding Lisa Oakley's Spectrum of Behavior in a separate post.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is faith-based coercion?

Faith-based coercion occurs when religious authority, language, or social pressure is used to compel someone to believe or behave in ways that override their conscience or agency. It can include pressure toward belief, pressure away from belief, or consequences tied to deeply held convictions.

A faith-based resource puts it this way: “...the kind of gospel learning that strengthens our faith and leads to the miracle of conversion doesn’t happen all at once… We should therefore seek after whatever invites the influence of the Spirit and reject whatever drives that influence away.” (Come, Follow Me—Introductory Materials, ChurchofJesusChrist.org).

Another resource identifies the possible long-term effects of spiritual (as well as physical or emotional) mistreatment as that which “may deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear.” (Eternal Marriage Student Manual, “Abuse,” quoting Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders, ChurchofJesusChrist.org).

Coercion can be experienced in many types of faith-based relationships where a power differential is leveraged. It can come from family members, peers, church leaders, college roommates, missionary companions, and at times, even from those they serve.

The opposite of coercion is Christlike invitation, marked by patience, kindness, and long-suffering.

What are the long-term effects of pressure in faith-based settings and relationships?

Lasting effects may include social anxiety or emotional triggers in faith-based settings and relationships, difficulty trusting leaders, and confusion about God’s character. These effects can be hard to put into words, which is one reason they are often overlooked.

A person may love their faith and still carry wounds from how it was influenced. Our Savior understands spiritual wounds. He can help us overcome them.

How do you stay faithful after difficult experiences in faith or family?

Staying faithful after difficult experiences in relationships where faith plays a central role often begins with identifying problematic patterns of behavior, then using agency to respond well.

Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus address harmful patterns in faith-based settings and relationships. He acknowledged harm without abandoning belief. He ministered to those affected. He can help us overcome.

What does agency mean in a faith context?

Agency in a faith context is the God-given right to make personal choices—to believe, explore, change, question, or commit to faith freely, without compulsion.

Jesus honored agency. In every recorded interaction, He invited rather than pressured. He even respected decisions to the point of allowing people to walk away.