What to Say (and Not Say) When Someone Shares Their Church Hurt
- Jen Weaver
- Jan 3
- 5 min read
Updated: 1 hour ago
When someone shares an experience of church hurt or spiritual wounding, we may feel a confusing mix of emotions. This may be especially true if their experience is different than our own. This post explores how to meet them where they are.
Hearing about someone else’s pain at church or in a faith-centered relationship can be uncomfortable. Cognitive dissonance kicks in. We want things to make sense. Without realizing it, we may rush toward explanations or desired outcomes rather than slowing down to try and understand.
This isn’t because we don’t care. Often, it’s because we care so much. And we don’t know what to do with the tension.
When good intentions miss the mark
Over the years, I’ve noticed that many of the things we instinctively say to someone sharing their experiences fall into a familiar pattern. While they are often meant to help, they can unintentionally minimize or invalidate.
Some examples of things that many of us have heard (or said):
“The church is perfect, people aren’t.”
“What were you doing at the time? Maybe, you were drawing too much attention to yourself."
"Are you sure that’s what happened? I know that person. They're a great (fill in the blank), that doesn't sound like something they would do.”
“Maybe they were just trying to help?”
“That hurt your feelings? You're too sensitive.”
“It was a mistake; probably best to move on and let it go."
"Stop giving away your power.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time…”
"You're going to keep going to church, right?"
If you’ve said some of these, please know that I’ve said some of theses things too. These responses are common, which is why it’s worth looking at them more closely.
Rather than dissecting each one, let me offer an analogy.
An analogy that helps clarify things
Imagine your friend has been in a serious car accident.
After the accident, they’re really struggling (emotionally and physically). They have fears that don’t seem “logical.” Driving feels overwhelming. Their mind keeps replaying what happened. Healing is taking a long time and they can't seem to move on.
Some things you probably wouldn’t say:
“Cars are perfect. Drivers aren’t.”
“Are you sure that’s what happened?”
“Maybe they were just trying to avoid something worse.”
“You’re still afraid to drive? You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re going to start driving again soon, right?”
When we respond differently to church hurt than we would to other forms of harm, it reveals how emotionally entangled we are with the setting.
When you think about it, the car analogy works.
It doesn’t matter how excellent a car manufacturer is. Cars are driven by people, and people are imperfect. There will be accidents, irresponsible driving, and sometimes deliberate harm.
If your friend were struggling after something impactful, because of injuries, triggers, or fear, you would likely understand that healing takes time. You wouldn’t rush them toward better feelings or try to correct their thinking. You would minister like a friend.
Why church hurt is often harder to respond to
Experiences connected to faith and belief touch on the places most sacred to us. Our faith can be deeply tied to our identity, relationships, and our own feelings of belonging. When someone we love is feeling wounded in those areas, the impact on them (and us) can be profound. It is normal to feel flooded with unwanted things like worry, anxiety, hurt, fear, or even anger.
As the ThirtyOneEight handbook Creating Healthy Cultures and Understanding Spiritual Abuse explains, we’re prone to cognitive shortcuts like the halo effect (“that person you're talking about is good, they wouldn’t do that!”) and the myth of homogeneity (“everyone experiences this the way I do”).
Without realizing it, we may prioritize defending what we love over sitting with a loved one in their pain.
Fact-checking, fixing, and fast-tracking
Some other responses that tend to shut people down:
Fact-checking: “That doesn’t make sense.” “How did that happen?” “Why didn’t you…?”
Making it about their filter: “Did anyone else experience it that way?”
Fast-tracking: “You need to forgive." "Move on!" "Don't see it that way.”
These responses often come from a place of good intentions, but they can leave those hurting feeling alone and unheard.
So what should we say?
Before we say anything, it helps to be informed.
Many youth protection and safeguarding frameworks, including those used in my own faith community, recognize a range of harmful behaviors that can contribute to spiritual wounds even when they don’t meet formal definitions of abuse. These may include bullying, harassment, hazing, harsh discipline, grooming, or gossip intended to harm someone’s reputation. This is especially true when these occur in faith-based settings.
Not all negative behavior at church is the same:
One-off petty behavior may be ignored or addressed lightly.
Patterns of harmful behavior should be taken seriously and addressed.
Acknowledging feelings is only the first step.
More ideas for responding well
While searching my own faith community’s website, I came across ideas for responding well that I’ve found especially helpful (see the bulleted section below). Unfortunately, it’s currently tucked away in a section where many may not realize how applicable it is to ministering to those whose experiences fall along a wide spectrum of impactful behaviors in faith-based relationships.
What I appreciate about this guidance is that, while it is written specifically to address abuse, the principles behind it (being informed, listening with care, and validating impact) are the ones I've found helpful when ministering to a loved one's spiritual wounds (or being ministered to). The steps below translate well for behaviors that carry real emotional and spiritual weight, even though they may not meet formal definitions of abuse. As you read, you can mentally “fill in the blanks” with whichever behaviors best fit you or your loved one's experience, such as bullying, harassment, hazing, harsh discipline, grooming, or gossip intended to harm someone’s reputation.
Helpful ways to respond to someone's spiritual wounds:
Be informed. Learn what (fill in the blank behavior) is and how it affects (people). Understand how someone who has experienced (this behavior) might feel. Often, (those with this experience) are left with unhealthy thoughts as well as feelings of unworthiness and shame.
Consider your words. The pain and suffering (someone) experiences is often intensified by others’ comments rooted in a misunderstanding of (fill in the blank behavior) and its effects. Blaming... or making statements like “get over it” or “just forgive and forget” can lead the (person) to increased secrecy and shame rather than healing and peace.
Listen and love. When (someone) trusts you enough to share their experiences with you, listen to them with love and empathy. Resist the urge to lecture or judge.
Acknowledge and validate feelings. Like with a physical injury, if (fill in the blank behavior) is ignored, (people) often do not heal properly. As you acknowledge and validate the (person's) feelings—such as being sad, hurt, or scared, you will help them on the path to healing.
So, even if you wonder whether someone is being “too sensitive,” or they somehow "got it wrong," in trying to understand what took place, remember:
We all hear and experience things through filters shaped by upbringing, culture, personality, and history. You don’t have to fully understand someone’s experience to respond with care.
Where this leads
Understanding how to respond well requires empathy but also, discernment and language for distinguishing between behavior that's merely unhelpful, unhealthy patterns, and behavior that constitutes abuse. This is how we know when to just listen, when to intervene, and when to help someone access additional support.
In my next post, I explore Lisa Oakley's A Spectrum of Behavior in faith-based relationships, comparing her research with the behavior categories used in my own faith community’s training resources. My hope is to offer clarity and to point to the example of Jesus Christ as He often addressed behavior in His own faith community.
For now, this parting thought:
When someone is brave enough to share their spiritual wounds, the goal isn’t winning an argument, defending an institution, or fast-tracking someone to the peace and understanding you desperately want for them. It’s to minister, like our Savior would, which is what any good shepherd would do.
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