What a Trigger at Church Looks Like—And The Miracle God Can Do

No matter how an event resurfaces, our Savior understands.

He was there before. He’s with us now. He overcame all things—nothing is too dark for the Lord.

"Hide" by Elisabeth Handelsby

A Night at Camp

It’s late on the last night of church camp, and I’ve forgotten where I’ve parked my car (which means I can’t access my dorm). A few hours later, it’s all worked out, but though I’m exhausted, I can’t sleep. Adrenaline is high. My stomach’s in my throat. Then suddenly, I’m crying, and I can’t stop.

The next morning, whenever I think of the previous night, my chest feels tight. What happened? Why am I feeling like this? Camp was great, so why do I want to go home?

After fumbling through my closing remarks to wrap up camp, instead of exchanging cheerful goodbye hugs, I hide in my car.

It may be a few days or weeks, but eventually I remember—this is what a trigger at church looks like.

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When the Past Replays

After making the connection, there's some relief, but also shame:

You are a grown woman. Why are you crying and hiding at camp?

Thinking of all the ways my Savior has helped me heal is comforting (at first). But unfortunately, my mind finds a way to weaponize it: Remember everything He’s done for you? I thought you moved on. You are letting your Savior down!

Not having access to my dorm late at night at camp doesn’t immediately bring back the memory of a youth leader locking me out at a religious retreat all night. Or of the crazy things a handful of adults did at church and school to get me back on track after I started attending another church. Those memories are thirty years old! So instead of remembering, I just feel the same things—as if I were a teenager again.

The easiest thing to do at that point?

Never go back to church camp (or other places where discomfort may resurface).

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Avoidance Versus Agency

You may be thinking: Big deal—don’t go back.

And you’re right. Unwanted feelings making decisions isn’t always a big deal.

Say you’re in a car accident, maybe now you take the bus.

Or if something bad happened in high school, maybe you skip the reunions.

Avoidance doesn’t always affect our lives or the universe much.

Other times, it leaves a big, gaping hole.

When the past starts trying to make decisions for me, it feels like those who tried to coerce my faith are winning. And while there’s some truth to that feeling—don’t go back, because no one should be pressured into settings that trigger spiritual wounds—that’s what brings me full circle.

At the heart of my struggle to use my agency while living my faith as an adult is not having my agency in religious settings as a teen. That’s why the past keeps coming back in the form of triggers that try to make decisions for me.

So, with that in mind, I carefully ask—what do I want?

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Agency in Adulthood

Realizing I still want the same thing I longed for thirty years ago—to feel close to my Savior, participate in His gospel, and make my own decisions about faith and belief—is only a partial answer.

So, I pray.

Usually, that goes something like: God, if You want me at camp, can’t You make sure things like this don’t happen?

The answers that come aren’t what I expect:

When you get overwhelmed, ask for help.

If you’re not up to a responsibility, ask someone to take over.

You need breaks and rest at camp.

This is what camp looks like for me now, and how my Savior and I are making new camp memories. This is how He unfolds my healing New Normal.

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The Miracle God Can Do

Which brings me to the thought He's placed in my heart, when I think of going back to camp:

I need Good Shepherds at my church camps. Who better understands the needs of a struggling teen than you?

As I write this, I feel Him say,

“This is what I mean when I say that my arm is not shortened to redeem.” (Isaiah 59:1)

After limiting time in hard places, for me, the greatest healing has meant returning—with my agency and Him.