What a Trigger at Church Looks Like—And The Miracle God Can Do

No matter how an event resurfaces, our Savior understands.

He was there before, and He’s with us now.

He overcame all things, and He helps us overcome.

"Hide" by Elisabeth Handelsby

A Night at Camp

It’s late on the last night of church camp, and I can’t find my car.

I’m tired and just want to go to bed, but even after I finally get settled, I can’t sleep. My adrenaline is high, and my stomach’s in my throat.

After tossing and turning for hours, I get up for a drink of water, then try again—worrying about dark circles under my eyes.

Another hour passes, and the sensations in my body grow worse.

Suddenly, I’m crying—and I can’t stop.

The next morning, I fumble through my closing remarks to wrap up camp, then I hide like a child. Instead of exchanging cheerful goodbye hugs, I feel shame.

A familiar pull tethers me to anxiety. Tiny pins and needles shoot down my arms whenever I think about the previous night’s meltdown. I have no idea what happened or why I’m feeling such intense things. It's confusing.

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When the Past Replays

Days later, I make the connection.

But instead of relief, a barrage of thoughts brings more shame:

You are a grown woman. Why are you crying and hiding at camp?Hasn’t your Savior helped you heal? You’re letting Him down!

Not having access to my room that night didn’t immediately bring back the memory of a youth leader locking me out at a religious retreat all night.

That memory is thirty years old.

Instead, I just felt the same things—as if I were a teenager again.

The easiest thing to do at that point?

Never go back to church camp.

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Avoidance and Agency

You may be thinking: Big deal—don’t go back.

And you’re right. Unwanted feelings making decisions isn’t always a big deal.

Say you’re in a car accident—maybe now you only take the bus.

Or if something bad happened in high school, maybe you skip the reunions.

Avoidance doesn’t always affect our lives much.

Other times, it leaves a big, gaping hole.

When the past starts trying to make decisions for me, it feels like the adults who once tried to coerce my faith are winning. And while there’s some truth to that feeling—don’t go back, because no one should be pressured into settings that trigger spiritual wounds—that’s exactly what brings me full circle.

At the heart of my struggle to use agency while living my faith as an adult is the fact that I didn’t have it in religious settings as a teen. That’s why the past keeps coming back with triggers that try to make decisions for me.

So, with that in mind, I carefully ask—what do I want?

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Choosing Again

Realizing I still want the same thing I longed for thirty years ago—to feel close to my Savior, participate in His gospel, and make my own decisions about faith and belief—is only a partial answer.

So, I pray.

Usually, that goes something like:

God, if You want me at camp, can’t You make sure things like this don’t happen?

The answers that come aren’t what I expect.

For example:

• If you get overwhelmed at camp, ask for help.

• If you’re not feeling up to a task, have someone else take over.

• You need breaks and rest at camp.

This is what camp looks like for me now.

This is how my Savior and I are making new camp memories.

This is how He unfolds healing New Normals.

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The Miracle God Can Do

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt Him replace thoughts of never going back to camp with:

I need Good Shepherds at my church camps. Who better understands the needs of a struggling teen than you?

His words remind me that healing isn’t about avoiding hard places—it’s about returning to them with my agency and Him.

As I write this, I feel Him say,

“This is what I mean when I say that my arm is not shortened to redeem.” (Isaiah 59:1)

Instead of erasing the past, my Savior transforms it.

I'm empowered to minister and serve.