He Left the 99 for Me: Triggers at Church and The Miracle God Can Do

Sometimes past experiences resurface in ways that affect how we feel in faith settings today. No matter what that looks like, our Savior understands. He was there before. He is with us now. He overcame all things.

I write from lived experience, more than twenty years of serving as a church youth leader, and ongoing learning about evidence-based safeguarding that names harm without undermining faith.

Uncomfortable at Church Camp

It’s late on the last night of church camp, and I've forgotten where I’ve parked my car (which means I can't access my dorm). A few hours later, it’s all worked out, but I can’t sleep. Adrenaline is high. My stomach’s in my throat. Then suddenly, I’m crying, and I can’t stop.

The next morning, whenever I think of the previous night, I'm totally confused.

What happened?

Why am I feeling like this?

Camp was great, so why do I want to go home?

After fumbling through closing remarks to wrap up camp, instead of exchanging cheerful goodbye hugs, I hide in my car.

It may take a few days (or weeks), but eventually I realize, this is what a trigger at church can look like. If you’ve ever experienced this, you know how disorienting it can be.

This used to leave me feeling without hope. But now I know my Savior understands.

Where Triggers at Church Naturally Lead

At first, after making the connection, I feel relief. But then I feel shame.

You are a grown woman. Why are you crying and hiding at camp?

Thinking of all the ways my Savior has helped me heal is comforting (at first), until my mind finds a way to turn it against me.

Remember everything He’s done for you? I thought we moved on?

Not having access to my dorm late at night at camp doesn’t immediately bring back the memory of a youth leader locking me out at a religious retreat all night, or of other things that happened when, as a teen, I wanted to change my faith. Those memories are thirty years old. Instead of remembering, I just feel the same things as if I'm a teenager again.

The easiest thing to do at that point?

Never go back to church camp—or any place where uncomfortable feelings might come up.

Avoidance Versus Agency

You may be thinking: Big deal. Don’t go back to church camp. And you’re right. Unwanted feelings making decisions isn’t always a big deal.

Say you’re in a car accident, maybe now you take the bus. Or if something bad happened in high school, maybe you skip the reunions.

Avoidance doesn’t always affect our lives or the universe much. Other times, it leaves a big, gaping hole.

For example, when the past (or feelings) start trying to make decisions for me, it can feel like old coercive patterns still have power I do not want them to have. And while there’s some truth in that feeling, I also want to be clear: no one should be pressured into settings that reactivate spiritual wounds. But for me, that question brings me full circle.

At the heart of my struggle to use my agency while living my faith as an adult is not having my agency in religious settings as a teen. That’s why the past keeps coming back in the form of feelings that try to make decisions for me.

So, with that in mind, I have to think: what is it that I want?

Reclaiming Agency at Church in Adulthood

Realizing I still want the same thing I longed for thirty years ago—to feel close to my Savior, participate in His gospel, and make my own decisions about faith and belief—is only a partial answer.

So, I pray.

Usually, that goes something like: God, if You want me at camp, can’t You make sure things like this don’t happen?

The answers that come aren’t what I expect:

• When you get overwhelmed, ask for help.

• If you’re not up to a responsibility, ask someone to take over.

• You need breaks and rest. For you, camp is different.

This is what camp looks like for me now. It's how my Savior is helping me make new camp memories. This is how I've felt Him unfolding my New Normal.

Understanding the difference between emotional triggers, a normal "bad day," and patterns of harmful behavior in faith-based relationships can be difficult sometimes. For help, see Understanding Lisa Oakley’s Spectrum of Behavior in Faith-Based Relationships.

For more on coping with ongoing impacts, see How I Reclaimed My Agency And Navigated Difficult Experiences in Faith Settings.

He Left the 99 for Me

The years I navigated emotional triggers at church, my Savior continually left the 99 for me. I used to feel shame about that. But a new truth has replaced it.

Looking at my beautiful Savior and everything He has done for me, I realize it is not that He can “even” help me with this.

It is especially this.

Jesus Christ understands spiritual wounds. He's not confused by the ways faith-centered relationships can become painful or complicated. Throughout His ministry, He saw religious influence in ways that caused harm, ministered to those affected, and responded in perfect wisdom every time.

So instead of shame, I will bear witness of the beautiful things He has done for me.

It's now been several years since I experienced an emotional trigger at camp. That said, I still rely on the assurances He's given me about what camp should look like for me. I also continue to hold onto a thought He placed in my heart when I considered never going back:

I need Good Shepherds at my church camps. Who better understands the needs of a struggling teen than you?

That's how I return to camp (and other places) with my agency and Him.

As I write this, I feel Him saying, “This is what I mean when I say my arm is not shortened to redeem” (Isaiah 59:1).

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a trigger in a faith or church setting?

A trigger in a faith setting is an intense emotional or physical response caused by something in the present that connects to a past experience in a religious context. It doesn’t feel like remembering—often it’s the same feelings returning. Triggers can be linked to environments, interactions, tone, or other details that resemble earlier experiences. It may help to remember that our Savior was with us in those earlier experiences, and He is with us now.

Why do I feel triggered at church even when I love my faith?

Feeling triggered at church has less to do with how much you love your faith and more to do with how experiences can shape how your body responds when your mind makes a connection. The brain doesn’t always distinguish between past and present—it can flood your body with overlapping feelings and experiences all at once. Experiencing a trigger at church isn’t a sign of weak faith. It’s often a sign that something unresolved is ready to be brought to Jesus. He left the 99 for the one—including the one who still longs to have joy in their faith when it is temporarily interrupted.

How can I participate in church while healing from painful experiences?

Healing often includes learning how to re-engage in ways that preserve dignity, agency, and capacity. As you navigate what this looks like, Jesus meets you where you are and shows you the next step.

Some ideas for relating to difficult spaces moving forward:

• Pause final decisions about not returning to spaces where triggers may appear

• Continue being a friend to God in the dark

• Rely on assurances that come from Jesus Christ, including ways to feel more secure in spaces that feel challenging

Participation in community is often where healing takes place.

How can I reclaim my agency at church after difficult experiences?

Reclaiming agency begins with asking what you want—rather than what fear, pressure, or overwhelming feelings are trying to decide for you. Jesus Christ can help restore your ability to choose. His invitations are accompanied by peace, clarity, and confidence in your ability to act.